However, love means respect and without respect love is useless. Often, we cling to any scrap of love our abusers give us because those seldom repeated words and actions reinforce what the abuser wants us to believe - what we want to believe - which is that they love us back ( Love Bombing: The Gaslighter's Most Effective Weapon of Abuse). Trusting your own feelings and instincts can be difficult when someone is telling you they're always wrong but try to pay attention. Being in Love with Your Abuser Isn't Real Love - But It Feels Like It It also makes it easier for your abuser to gaslight you into submission. This impulse to disconnect and absorb responsibility in the hope you can fix the abuse is natural. During these periods of detachment, you may even take on certain aspects of your partner's personality or fall more in love with the abuser all over again - which is what, ultimately, you feel he needs.īy doing this, you learn to "appease" your abuser which may temporarily stop you getting hurt and ignite a loving response. Being in Love with Your Abuser Could Be a Survival Techniqueĭo you often find yourself agreeing with your abuser after a fight or beginning to see things from his point of view? Again, this is a coping mechanism whereby you detach yourself from your pain or fear to cope with the situation. Love is built on mutual respect, trust, and proper communication and neither physical nor emotional abuse should have a seat at the table. In other words, it's easy to say the words "I love you," but what do they actually mean? Love is not a reason to stay, nor does it equate to a healthy relationship ( Verbal Abuse Disguised as Love). As the writer, Cheryl Strayed once said of her experience of growing up in an abusive household, when it comes to abuse: "Love is beside the point." Love is part of the abuse cycle, but it is not a reason to stay. In Abusive Relationships, Love Is Beside the Point In fact, in almost every relationship like this, the abuse only gets worse over time. Staying in an abusive relationship out of love won't protect you and it won't make you happy. Our largely primitive minds don't always factor in our need for long-term safety, they only see the danger straight ahead. However, recognizing these impulses and giving into them are two different things. Add financial, physical or emotional codependency into this toxic exchange and it's understandable why so many victims convince themselves to stay. By doing what he wants, you are following a normal and natural impulse to protect yourself at all costs. You shouldn't feel ashamed for taking your partner back each time he abuses you. This is why you believe your abuser when he says he loves you and it'll never happen again. Part of the cycle from the victim's perspective is wanting the relationship to feel safe again. Being in Love with the Abuser Is Part of the Abuse Cycleĭo your feelings of being "in love" with your abuser feel strongest after incidents of abuse? This is no coincidence. When you also consider that most abusers are "nice guys" and seem charming and attentive at first, it's easy to see how "love" often thrives in abusive situations. There are well-documented cases of Stockholm syndrome that show how easily people form attachments to their captors, subconsciously trying to influence their fate. Secondly, you falling in love with your abuser did not happen by accident. It is, quite possibly, an indication of your capacity to love, but that doesn't make it healthy. You know he sometimes makes you miserable, but what about the times he makes you happy? Being in love with your abuser you is not unusual, and there are, in fact, logical explanations for your feelings.įirstly, it's important to realize that having feelings for your abuser is not shameful or wrong. On the other, you may cling to the times your partner is loving and thoughtful, and feel that you're too in love to ever leave. On the one hand, you may fear for your sanity, your sense of identity, and possibly even your life. Being in love with your abuser is painful and confusing.
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